Love Them All Over Again

You never forget the moment when the nurse places your newborn in your arms.  It is difficult not to be overwhelmed by emotions of unconditional love and the desire to protect this tiny person from the big bad world that you brought her into.

These feelings are soon supplanted by the fear of not knowing what to do and how to care for this life for which you have assumed responsibility.

That idealized vision of parenthood you once had is replaced with many sleepless nights and sounds of your baby crying.  You take comfort in those moments when he/she falls asleep in your arms and you refuse to accept that her first smile is due to gas.  You think the world will fall apart when you first drop your child and they develop the “golf ball” bump on their head.  You are sure that the doctor will instruct you to go to the closest emergency room and are confounded when instructed to place some ice on the forehead and wait ten minutes.

If you have more children, some things are taken with less trepidation. With your first baby, you boil the pacifier when it falls to the floor and with the third, you wipe it off and place it back in.

There is one aspect of parenting however that doesn't gets easier.

You are never quite prepared for the first time, your child stamps her feet and defiantly screams NO.  And this is where the real parenting begins.  The endless streams of parental vetoes are met with protestations, temper tantrums, the slamming of doors (unless you have learned the towel taped to the top of the door trick), and the worst act of defiance of them all- the proclamation of “I hate you.”  It is a series of skirmishes, some of which you remember even as they share a glass of wine with you as a competent adult. 

 “No- you can’t have seconds on ice cream. No-you can’t go outside without a coat.  No- you’re not sleeping out without me calling your friend’s parents.  No- your curfew is ten. I don’t care what your friends’ curfews are.  No- you’re not getting a fourth piercing while you live in my house.  No- you’re not getting a new car. The van will do just fine.  No- you can’t backpack through Europe on your own as a fifteen year old.”

One thing has really helped us get through this whole parenting thing: forgiveness. My grandmother was always insistent on not going to bed mad at family or close friends because what would happen if one of you died and the other person had unresolved guilt over the last moments together.  That always stuck with me.

A few years ago, my wife had had a particularly challenging day with one of the kids. She felt bad about how things had gone and was worried about what to do next.  I told her that the best thing about parenting is that no matter how challenging a day might have been, you wake up the next morning and get to love them all over again.  It became our mantra.

Parenting is not a science.  You will make lots of mistakes. We all do.  No matter how many wise books are written on how to raise children who have skinned knees, ADHD, food allergies, defiant behaviors, and sibling rivalries, you can always remember the most basic parenting rule- You can’t control your children’s behavior all the time, but you can control how you react.  Yeah- we all follow that adage of common sense all the time, don’t we?

Our kids are now in college and there are still those days you’d like a do-over on. 

As an educator I would like to think that the same advice applies to the classroom setting.

So the next time, your child gives you a rough time of it and you react in a way you regret, just remember that the sun will rise the next day and you will indeed love them all over again.