I Don’t Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

During the first weeks of school, the halls are filled with the joyful sound of friends reconnecting, teachers raising their voices in amazement of how their students have grown; the energy and bustle of children moving in mass from one location to the other; and the occasional outbursts of crying youngsters who are adjusting to the ritual of leaving their parents in the morning…and sometime their parents tear-filled eyes show they are adjusting too.

Ahh...the rituals of the new school year!

Peeling young children away from their parents is a time honored tradition perpetuated by the fear of the unknown, separation anxiety after a summer together, and sometimes a touch of manipulation thrown in to tug on the heartstrings of susceptible parents. For some moms and dads, it is heart wrenching and for others, it is a matter of figuring out an exit strategy so they can get to work.

For parents dropping off their children for the first time, it can be particularly challenging but time does not stand still for the breaking hearts.  Raising children is a constant progression of saying goodbyes.

Each goodbye marks a new milestone for both parent and child.  It is a fact of life.  Goodbyes are part of how children learn to cope with change, adapt to new environments, acclimate to risk taking, and grow to be independent. 

Goodbye on the first day of preschool and kindergarten- the first sleepover- the first overnight camp- the first day of middle school or high school.  The day you watch your child drive away with the new found independence of a driver’s license….in your car!  The day you drop your child off to college or walk him/her down the aisle.

Goodbye…goodbye…and goodbye….often filled with tears and sighs.  But you wouldn’t have it any other way.  Each goodbye marks a new stage of growth and change.  As if you even have a choice.

What we learn over time as parents, is to deal with the goodbyes and cherish the hellos.  Hellos upon their return home from school filled with stories; Hellos on the ride home from camp with anecdotes and inside jokes that are encapsulated in long run on sentences until they collapse from exhaustion; Hellos when the car thankfully enters your driveway; Hellos when they come home from college suddenly transformed into very mature adults who really need no advice, but are happy to start giving it; Hellos to their life partners and grandchildren that hopefully follow.

I used to think that Shel Silverstein’s story, The Giving Tree, was a statement about friendship and how one sided it was for the tree to give and the boy to take.  At the moment, I am a parent with a graduating high school senior and two in college. One is taking the LSAT’s this year and talking about schools no longer in a day’s drive.  Now, I understand The Giving Tree to be a metaphor to being a parent.  We are rooted.  Our children come back and we give willingly- grateful for whatever time we have with them.  The goodbyes become more frequent and hellos gladden our hearts.

The separation cries of the first weeks of school quickly fade as a new rhythm takes hold.  Until the next goodbye and the next hello. 

Wishing everyone a great start to the new school year!

The College Game- Reality is a Minor Inconvenience

Stan Beiner, Head of The Epstein School

Typically, a blog is intended to be short and of high interest. I am breaking the rules of blogging because I was not sure how to address such an important topic without elaboration. So…please indulge my blogging faux pas and next time I will be succinct and back on track!

At The Epstein School, a private K-8 program, we prepare students to excel in high school and beyond. If we do not maintain standards of academic excellence, we would not have the opportunity to fulfill our other mission which is creating well-balanced, committed Jews who will continue in the traditions of our people while interfacing with a changing world.

With a deep sigh, we turn our innocent, middle school graduates over to high schools who will prepare them for colleges that don’t exist. You can translate that as heavy homework loads, AP courses, honors classes, multiple extra-curricular activities, and the stretch for the highest GPA possible. I have watched my own daughters stay up endless hours and fall asleep at their desks exhausted from their day of classes, extra-curriculars, and an occasional youth group event if time permits. Summertime is often filled with long lists of books to be consumed that are required reading prior to the beginning of the next school year. I have listened to countless teens talk about holding down jobs, padding their resumes, and trying to figure out HOW to get into their preferred STATE school.  While many still strive to go to the Ivy’s and prestigious institutions, it has become a stress getting into the University of Georgia

Flash forward to the ivory towers of university life.  Most students try to plan their schedules to accommodate sleeping late, working out during the week, and if possible avoiding Friday courses. They take four, maybe five classes, a week and have time for Greek life, dorm life, and partying.   What happened to the endless hours of work in preparation for college? The long list of books to be read over the summer for the coming semester? The eight to nine hard core subjects being taken concurrently? The sense that there is no time for themselves?

Well…as you can see from a chart prepared by the electronic magazine The Atlantic (9-3-12)… that is not what college is about and it has nothing to do with what happens in most undergraduate schools. Here is a big secret kept from students- they will get into college and most likely it is a college they are going to really like. Plus, they will get more sleep!

It would be disingenuous to say that college  does not require hard effort and produce stress at times but it is disproportionate to what high schools purport to be preparing students to anticipate. A better focus might be on how to handle freedom while balancing leisure time and school work.

High schools are selling what they think parents are buying- a guarantee to the best college possible instead of helping children find the right match for who they are and what they want to do. And colleges are fanning the flames and promoting this pressure in order to get the best possible candidates.

The high school years should be about friends, sports, clubs, youth groups, summers off, and of course, school work. But these are different times. Last year, my wife and I were informed by the private school our youngest child attends, that tenth graders would now be invited to college orientation sessions. As parents, we responded politely that the only expectations we had for our 15 year old, was that she focus on her classes, play sports if she wanted to, engage and debate youth group politics, hang out with her friends and worry about boys. We asked to be removed from the invite list. The school honored the request and our daughter thanked us.

A few years ago, a film The Race to Nowhere made the rounds. Though it had its flaws, it highlighted some very important realities. I was most struck by what a high school girl shared with an audience gathered to hear about teen stress. She said that the most horrifying question high school students are asked is AND? You have a 4.0 GPA and? You are doing ten hours a week of community services AND?

There are high schools that are purposeful about the way they teach students to study, balance time, manage projects, and develop self-discipline. I wish that was the norm, but it is more likely that your child will attend a school that employs pressure and fear tactics to motivate its students less they be relegated to the dungeons of a two year college in rural Slovakia (okay- a slight exaggeration!)

We have to be careful about slinging around words like RIGOR, CHALLENGING, COMPETITIVE, and HEAVY COURSE LOAD when discussing college preparation. I am not sure that parents and educators quite understand the stress it causes. It is no wonder that cheating, eating disorders, and depression are more widespread than most can fathom.

As parents, we need to set boundaries for ourselves, our children, and our schools such as:  

• Choose the right high school for your child’s needs which might be a deviation from your original plan.
• Actively review your child’s class load, sports, youth group, and work commitments. 
• Monitor the language used in school environments.
• Continually take the pulse of your teenager’s outlook and perspective by having open conversations and listening to their concerns and frustrations. 
• Become familiar with the signs of depression and eating disorders.
• Let them live their own lives and have their own dreams. The college or career path chosen by your child is not a badge of honor or shame that you wear.
  
• Assist them in developing time and cash management skills. Discuss the dangers of alcohol abuse and potential hazing brought about by lax college town and university oversight. These are the important life skills that that should be discussed in high school but are often overlooked.
  
• And finally, make sure you model that behavior by taking the time to show up at sporting events, programs, and plays without a cell phone in hand. Being available, being aware, and being an advocate are important ingredients for maintaining the sanity of a high school student.

If you can provide that perspective, your child will thank you when she is calling you from the college gym at 4pm before she heads off for a latte and her evening yoga class. 

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