Fail It Forward

I have not failed.  I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.- Thomas Edison

Each October, I meet with a special group of middle school students who ran for student government but did not achieve their goal.  After enjoying some food and jovial banter, I proceed to congratulate them for having taken a risk and going for something they wanted.  Not winning does not mean losing.  I share with them my belief that it is those who are willing to risk failure that truly will achieve their goals.  We talk about the week leading up to the announcement and all of the fun they had.  We share how exciting that moment is just before the results are revealed when the possibility is there for the hoping.  I tell them how proud I am of them and that in my mind, they are winners.  And I believe it.  We've all had our share of disappointments when putting ourselves out there.  It hurts but it also instructs.  As Ol' Blue Eyes once crooned, I just pick myself up and get back in the race, that’s life.

In The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do In Life And In Business, Charles Duhigg uses the analogy of baseball.  If a player is hitting over .300, he/she is considered an amazing batter.  What one sometimes forgets is that it also means that he/she is not successful two out of three times at the plate.  There is also the shared knowledge that if you fall off a horse, the first thing you have to do is dust yourself and get back in the saddle.  If you don’t, you become afraid of getting hurt and stop trying.  The only one that wins then is the horse that smelled your fear and can now go snort to his friends about how he bested a silly human.

Schools should be a place where experimentation flourishes.  Traits such as risk taking, problem solving, and taking on challenges need to be fostered and yet, this is not always the case.  I think it has a lot to do with the pressure of time and product.  When teachers feel the pressure to produce, it is far easier to do things the old fashioned way- frontal teaching, drills to hammer the lessons home, and the all-encompassing barometer of truth, the culminating test, that tried and true measure of knowledge acquisition.  It takes more time to have students learn from one another, figure it out on their own, and play out different options.

It also has to do with space and how it is used. Seat a group of students facing the teacher and you have a dynamic controlled by the teacher. Set up a room where students face each other, sit on comfy chairs, or lay on the floor and kids start taking control for their own learning and the teacher becomes more of a facilitator.

The fact is that society is not in need of more drones trained to spit out information that is released from their brains the moment the test is completed.

In a world where “failure is not an option,” it is imperative for schools to create environments where failure is not just an option but an opportunity to learn and  where there are lots of ideas floating around on how to solve a problem.  After all, scientific breakthroughs are not made on the first try and NASA had to launch a number of unmanned satellites before sending John Glenn into space.  That is the dynamic that has to be found in the classrooms and hallways of our schools.

Without failure, there is no innovation.  If we want children to be creative and clever, we have to allow them time and opportunities to figure things out for themselves.  They can only do that by making mistakes, analyzing what didn't work, and trying another way to find the solution.

When I was a high school teacher, I would provide the rubric for what would constitute an essay deserving of an “A.”  I then shared that everyone would get an A whether it took one rewrite or five.  I didn't care about a homerun on the first try out.  I wanted each of my students to know they were capable if they applied themselves.  My goal was to teach them; not to judge them.

Even with the best of intentions, schools can’t provide opportunities to fail or take risks unless parents and community leaders understand the value in doing things that are less result oriented and more process focused.  That requires an education unto itself.  Being in the field for a long time, I have come to understand that when obstacles are placed in the way of innovative thinking, programming, and piloting, fear quickly grips educators and they revert back to the old way of doing things.  In a world where creativity and innovation are critical to success and students must be prepared with key skills such as collaboration, self-advocacy, and problem solving, this is a very bad thing to have happen.

I have a daughter who ran for school office three different times and did not win.  It was demoralizing; but she kept trying because she believed she had something to offer.  It was a relief to her (and us!) when she finally became grade rep and then went on to regional office in her youth organization.  But, the best part was her experience became the focus of her college essay.  She shared how learning to cope with disappointment and continuing to take risks was one of the most important lessons she took away from her high school years.  That essay got her into each of the schools to which she applied so it really is a happy ending.

If we don’t value failure and recognize the power it has to foster a child’s ability to achieve, we are missing out one of the most powerful life altering tools we have at our disposal.

So, FAIL IT FORWARD.  

I Don’t Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

During the first weeks of school, the halls are filled with the joyful sound of friends reconnecting, teachers raising their voices in amazement of how their students have grown; the energy and bustle of children moving in mass from one location to the other; and the occasional outbursts of crying youngsters who are adjusting to the ritual of leaving their parents in the morning…and sometime their parents tear-filled eyes show they are adjusting too.

Ahh...the rituals of the new school year!

Peeling young children away from their parents is a time honored tradition perpetuated by the fear of the unknown, separation anxiety after a summer together, and sometimes a touch of manipulation thrown in to tug on the heartstrings of susceptible parents. For some moms and dads, it is heart wrenching and for others, it is a matter of figuring out an exit strategy so they can get to work.

For parents dropping off their children for the first time, it can be particularly challenging but time does not stand still for the breaking hearts.  Raising children is a constant progression of saying goodbyes.

Each goodbye marks a new milestone for both parent and child.  It is a fact of life.  Goodbyes are part of how children learn to cope with change, adapt to new environments, acclimate to risk taking, and grow to be independent. 

Goodbye on the first day of preschool and kindergarten- the first sleepover- the first overnight camp- the first day of middle school or high school.  The day you watch your child drive away with the new found independence of a driver’s license….in your car!  The day you drop your child off to college or walk him/her down the aisle.

Goodbye…goodbye…and goodbye….often filled with tears and sighs.  But you wouldn’t have it any other way.  Each goodbye marks a new stage of growth and change.  As if you even have a choice.

What we learn over time as parents, is to deal with the goodbyes and cherish the hellos.  Hellos upon their return home from school filled with stories; Hellos on the ride home from camp with anecdotes and inside jokes that are encapsulated in long run on sentences until they collapse from exhaustion; Hellos when the car thankfully enters your driveway; Hellos when they come home from college suddenly transformed into very mature adults who really need no advice, but are happy to start giving it; Hellos to their life partners and grandchildren that hopefully follow.

I used to think that Shel Silverstein’s story, The Giving Tree, was a statement about friendship and how one sided it was for the tree to give and the boy to take.  At the moment, I am a parent with a graduating high school senior and two in college. One is taking the LSAT’s this year and talking about schools no longer in a day’s drive.  Now, I understand The Giving Tree to be a metaphor to being a parent.  We are rooted.  Our children come back and we give willingly- grateful for whatever time we have with them.  The goodbyes become more frequent and hellos gladden our hearts.

The separation cries of the first weeks of school quickly fade as a new rhythm takes hold.  Until the next goodbye and the next hello. 

Wishing everyone a great start to the new school year!

The College Game- Reality is a Minor Inconvenience

Stan Beiner, Head of The Epstein School

Typically, a blog is intended to be short and of high interest. I am breaking the rules of blogging because I was not sure how to address such an important topic without elaboration. So…please indulge my blogging faux pas and next time I will be succinct and back on track!

At The Epstein School, a private K-8 program, we prepare students to excel in high school and beyond. If we do not maintain standards of academic excellence, we would not have the opportunity to fulfill our other mission which is creating well-balanced, committed Jews who will continue in the traditions of our people while interfacing with a changing world.

With a deep sigh, we turn our innocent, middle school graduates over to high schools who will prepare them for colleges that don’t exist. You can translate that as heavy homework loads, AP courses, honors classes, multiple extra-curricular activities, and the stretch for the highest GPA possible. I have watched my own daughters stay up endless hours and fall asleep at their desks exhausted from their day of classes, extra-curriculars, and an occasional youth group event if time permits. Summertime is often filled with long lists of books to be consumed that are required reading prior to the beginning of the next school year. I have listened to countless teens talk about holding down jobs, padding their resumes, and trying to figure out HOW to get into their preferred STATE school.  While many still strive to go to the Ivy’s and prestigious institutions, it has become a stress getting into the University of Georgia

Flash forward to the ivory towers of university life.  Most students try to plan their schedules to accommodate sleeping late, working out during the week, and if possible avoiding Friday courses. They take four, maybe five classes, a week and have time for Greek life, dorm life, and partying.   What happened to the endless hours of work in preparation for college? The long list of books to be read over the summer for the coming semester? The eight to nine hard core subjects being taken concurrently? The sense that there is no time for themselves?

Well…as you can see from a chart prepared by the electronic magazine The Atlantic (9-3-12)… that is not what college is about and it has nothing to do with what happens in most undergraduate schools. Here is a big secret kept from students- they will get into college and most likely it is a college they are going to really like. Plus, they will get more sleep!

It would be disingenuous to say that college  does not require hard effort and produce stress at times but it is disproportionate to what high schools purport to be preparing students to anticipate. A better focus might be on how to handle freedom while balancing leisure time and school work.

High schools are selling what they think parents are buying- a guarantee to the best college possible instead of helping children find the right match for who they are and what they want to do. And colleges are fanning the flames and promoting this pressure in order to get the best possible candidates.

The high school years should be about friends, sports, clubs, youth groups, summers off, and of course, school work. But these are different times. Last year, my wife and I were informed by the private school our youngest child attends, that tenth graders would now be invited to college orientation sessions. As parents, we responded politely that the only expectations we had for our 15 year old, was that she focus on her classes, play sports if she wanted to, engage and debate youth group politics, hang out with her friends and worry about boys. We asked to be removed from the invite list. The school honored the request and our daughter thanked us.

A few years ago, a film The Race to Nowhere made the rounds. Though it had its flaws, it highlighted some very important realities. I was most struck by what a high school girl shared with an audience gathered to hear about teen stress. She said that the most horrifying question high school students are asked is AND? You have a 4.0 GPA and? You are doing ten hours a week of community services AND?

There are high schools that are purposeful about the way they teach students to study, balance time, manage projects, and develop self-discipline. I wish that was the norm, but it is more likely that your child will attend a school that employs pressure and fear tactics to motivate its students less they be relegated to the dungeons of a two year college in rural Slovakia (okay- a slight exaggeration!)

We have to be careful about slinging around words like RIGOR, CHALLENGING, COMPETITIVE, and HEAVY COURSE LOAD when discussing college preparation. I am not sure that parents and educators quite understand the stress it causes. It is no wonder that cheating, eating disorders, and depression are more widespread than most can fathom.

As parents, we need to set boundaries for ourselves, our children, and our schools such as:  

• Choose the right high school for your child’s needs which might be a deviation from your original plan.
• Actively review your child’s class load, sports, youth group, and work commitments. 
• Monitor the language used in school environments.
• Continually take the pulse of your teenager’s outlook and perspective by having open conversations and listening to their concerns and frustrations. 
• Become familiar with the signs of depression and eating disorders.
• Let them live their own lives and have their own dreams. The college or career path chosen by your child is not a badge of honor or shame that you wear.
  
• Assist them in developing time and cash management skills. Discuss the dangers of alcohol abuse and potential hazing brought about by lax college town and university oversight. These are the important life skills that that should be discussed in high school but are often overlooked.
  
• And finally, make sure you model that behavior by taking the time to show up at sporting events, programs, and plays without a cell phone in hand. Being available, being aware, and being an advocate are important ingredients for maintaining the sanity of a high school student.

If you can provide that perspective, your child will thank you when she is calling you from the college gym at 4pm before she heads off for a latte and her evening yoga class. 

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Blogging from China- Rainbow World

It was really quite random.  I knew that I would be taking a Sabbatical in the Fall 2012 so when an email arrived in my box announcing the possibility of an educators’ tour to China sponsored by Emory University, I replied that I might be interested if it was going to take place after the Jewish holidays, we would not be flying on Shabbat…all the typical requests.  Over the course of six months, there was the occasional update…everything was tentative. I was beginning to think that it was going to fizzle.  Then came the announcement that everything was a “go” and I really could not think of a reason to back out.  My bucket list includes skydiving, jumping off the Stratosphere in Vegas, and learning Spanish; I had never even thought about China. 

Once committed, my doubts began to grow:  I would know nobody on the tour. How would I handle the hassles of being diabetic?  How would I manage the kosher aspect?   But I was in and there was no turning back.

My first introduction to the group was about a week before departure.  After meeting everyone, I realized that though this was billed as an educator’s trip, there were only three non-Emory University people that were going to China: me, the President of Holy Spirit, and his wife.  

Whatever the original intent might have been, I learned a lot from interacting with a unique group of individuals.   

·         Hong Li (actually it is really Li Hong- family names come first), our trip coordinator is a native of Beijing who currently serves as a Chinese language instructor at Emory.  When we took a rickshaw tour of old Beijing, we learned that every street has a common bath house- there is running water but no private lavatories.  (It was great for those of us with smaller bladders.)  This is where Hong grew up and where her mother stills lives.

·         Two of the our group members were black (Fun fact- both lived in Montana at the same time but did not cross paths) Ozzie works in the Provost’s Office and is responsible for diversity issues and Leilah, a Fulbright Scholar, administers to the needs of Emory University’s large foreign student population. 

·         One woman, who is gay and a native of Mississippi works with gender diversity; another woman is married to a Coptic Egyptian and works in university relations. 

·         The President of Holy Spirit, who I had only met once, is from England and his wife, who runs the independent study foreign languages department, is Italian. 

Our worlds intersected for that week and it was fascinating to hear the stories and viewpoints of people who came from diverse backgrounds.  The conversations were influenced by the immersion into Chinese culture.  When I mentioned how odd it seemed to see so many Caucasian models on Shanghai billboards, it led to a conversation regarding what is considered beautiful and what messaging did the advertisements make. Hong shared that there are Asian women who continue to have their eyelids altered. Many of the urban Chinese see the West as setting the standards for beauty.  Discussions ranged from religion to culture to values.   And sometimes, people just talked about their dogs (not my favorite discourse).

Stories unfolded in puzzle pieces…lots of commonalities and lots of differences.

For me personally, it was very different being the only Jewish participant.  I sat out the shopping in Shanghai because of Shabbat (but did skip a museum on Sunday to make sure I could support local Chinese businesses by purchasing brand name knock offs); was constantly having to ask questions about the food placed in front of me; and often found myself explaining Jewish ways.  The group was always respectful and supportive but there were times where I did feel my Jewishness in ways not typical to my daily routine.

I came away with a deeper appreciation of what America is all about and who I am.  We were black, white and Asian; gay and straight; old and young; Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant; born of British, Italian, Russian, Polish, Native American, Scottish, and African ancestries.  It was the quintessential melting pot.  When you view this against the backdrop of a nation made up of a 92% Han majority and where minorities tend to segregate themselves within their own provinces; you begin to understand the gift of diversity that our nation provides.  Crossing paths with so many different cultures and backgrounds leads to an appreciation of what others have to offer.  As our recent elections demonstrated, we are challenged to deal with divergent views while celebrating a common belief in the American dream.

What touched me most about China was my interactions with her people.  From the formal meetings with officials and university leaders discussing culture and opportunities; to the high school students worrying about college; and to university leaders concerned about parent expectations, natural resources and war;   I was constantly reminded of the fact that we are all a part of the Family of Man. 

I hope that there will come a day where we can all truly celebrate the richness that diversity brings and how much there is to learn from different cultures and peoples. 

You Don’t Know It’s Lost until It is Gone

Both my wife and I were planning to write about a recent experience we shared.  In a rare moment of lucidity, we decided to collaborate on the project- a new concept.

Last week, someone stole our memories. Lulled into a sense of security, the alarm was not set and our home was broken into in broad daylight.  Nobody was hurt and considering it was our teenage daughter who was first on the scene, we can only be thankful. 

The burglar was after jewelry, and went straight for the master bedroom where Judi’s valuables were available for convenient shopping on the top of the dresser.  He simply scooped out several handfuls of loot with little regard for what he grabbed.

The monetary value of the stolen items was not inconsequential.  But the real loss was in the sentimental worth.  Ironically the most valuable jewelry pieces, the family heirlooms, were safely hidden away.  It was the pieces Judi wore regularly that were taken.

Judi has a habit of buying jewelry when on vacation.  Practically speaking, those are the only occasions when she has time to make such purchases.  As a result, she had a great collection of jewelry from our many trips to Israel, along with a ring bought on an excursion to Chicago, an anniversary piece purchased by Stan for our 20^th, and a unique pewter item bought in Bath, England while on “holiday” with a friend.  All gone. 

The diamond anniversary pieces and pearl earrings from our wedding will be simple enough to replace.  But, the most heartache comes over the few items that belonged to the unsinkable Betty Taksar Marie Beiner.  The tiny marcasite earrings and small sapphire/gold ring were all ‘Betty-size”.  Every time Judi put them on, she thought about her.  Even if it was just for a second, memories of the family matriarch became a part of Judi’s day;  she loved having those sparkly physical reminders.  Gone.

It was not until the next day that Stan discovered that the gonif had also taken our inexpensive camera.  Why that?  For the burglar, it was just a whim to take a camera sitting out. For us, he stole five months of memories.

We hadn’t yet downloaded all of the photos.  There were some from our daughter’s high school graduation, her UGA orientation and her settling in to her first year in college.  We had had a great hardly seen/never met relatives vacation trip this past summer traveling to Baltimore, NYC and Boston.  We visited family, found some long lost cousins, and met one relative in his 80’s for the first time.  And we had great pictures…all gone.

We know it is just “stuff.”  One of Stan’s most powerful childhood memories came from a moment when Betty dropped a saucer in the home of a California cousin who was a Holocaust survivor.  It was a solitary keepsake that she had brought over from Europe- a singular memory of her childhood home.  The family was mortified when his cousin walked over to the cupboard, grabbed a dustpan and began cleaning it up.  With not an ounce of emotion, she explained that it was a thing.  Her memories were still intact.  But still….sometimes we count on those objects to remind us of things we shouldn’t forget but often do.

It feels like a poignant coincidence that we were robbed during the month of Elul. This is the season when we look back at the past year to recall, reflect and remember.  Visiting the graves of our loved ones is a common tradition, one that helps trigger memories.  It took us more than 24 hours to determine everything that had been stolen.  And each time Judi remembered an item, there was a trip or a person connected to it.  Those happy memories locked away in rings, necklaces, and memory cards are now somewhat tinged with sadness. 

Ultimately, we realize the value lies not in the thing itself, but in the memories evoked. 

So let us suggest another ritual for Elul:  Go through your things, while you still have them! Touch them, smell them, gaze at them and joyfully immerse yourself in the memories that otherwise might be forgotten.

- Stan and Rabbi Judith Beiner

This blog entry is also featured in The Atlanta Jewish Times.

Writing a Child's Script- Caution Alert to Parents and Educators

One thing you learn with the birth of a second child is that same mom, same dad, does not equal same kid- each one is unique unto him/herself.  I’ve seen my own children develop at their own pace.  The oldest chose not to read until the end of first grade - not because she couldn’t but she wouldn’t.  My youngest also showed no interest but her reasons turned out being related to learning challenges (I write this with her permission!).  We worried a lot about her future at that time. 

Nine years later, she has developed into a hard working student who will be taking on honors classes next year.  In part, it helped that she was self-motivated but I wonder what would have happened if the focus had been on what she could NOT do when she was younger instead of what she COULD do.  We were fortunate to be in an environment where she could test her own limits. 

As an educator, I have lost count of how many typically average smart children in middle school have become super stars in high school and college.  It took them longer for all the synapses to connect but when they did - WOW! 

It is one of the reasons why the conversations about not writing a child’s script for him/her come up often at our school.  If we had limited our late bloomers as they were developing, would they have achieved what they did?  True, there are certain courses in middle school that are leveled - Hebrew, Bible, and Math.  We do so out of recognition that, pedagogically, children develop their abstract and conceptual thinking skills at different rates.  But we also resist the notion to establish honors classes in middle school for Social Studies, English, Spanish and other core areas.  Rather we treat each subject as an honors class and challenge students to rise to our levels of expectation.  If they need support, we assist them in getting there.

Had we labeled some of our super graduates at that critical juncture of their development, we would have been limiting them to what we believed they could do.  Instead, it is critical that children be able to help write their own scripts - to actively be engaged in stretching themselves. They need to know that their teachers believe in them and the expectations for everyone are the same.

As educators, we must be vigilant about not falling into the dangerous trap of labeling a child in terms of their potential.  As parents, we need to teach our children to be actively engaged in their own growth and development.  The Hebrew root of both teacher and parent is l’horot - to guide.  Let’s be mindful of our role in guiding our children in reaching their potential rather than choosing the path for them - to provide them with the confidence to become self advocates, ask good questions, and help write their own scripts in life...with a little help along the way!

That Bilingual Thing Really Works!

It is human nature to make judgments based on one’s own history and familiarities.

So it is no surprise that parents would base the quality of education on their own personal experiences.  It is understandable because that is what they know.

When presented with the possibility of a bilingual education for their children, many are intrigued by the opportunity, but are concerned that something will be sacrificed.

For parents who grew up with bilingual education in the home or the school, this is an easier choice with fewer concerns.

The classic question asked is, “How can you teach everything in half a day?”  And therein lies the catch because we know that learning takes place all day long.  The fact is that by having lessons taught in two languages, students are learning to apply rules and concepts to different settings, thereby actually enabling the brain to develop differently and into a more flexible mind. 

There are countless articles and lots of research supporting bilingual education (click on the link to learn more). One example of the benefits is that research shows that bilingual students outperform monolingual students on standardized tests, especially in the areas of math and expressive language  even when bilingual students receive less instructional math time.

In fact, it is only in America where the idea that one might speak in just one language has any traction. In many countries, second and third languages are taught as a matter of course.  It provides students with an understanding that we live in a global community in which one must come to understand other languages, history, and cultures.

Perhaps the simplest answer to whether bilingual education works is how a school’s graduates do in high school and college.  In my experience, graduates of bilingual programs are disproportionately represented in the ranks of leadership and scholarship as evidenced by the number who take multiple honors and AP classes; serve as officers in student government and youth groups; who are captains of varsity teams; and who receive National Merit recognition.

We assume that parents who are considering a bilingual program are mindful of the fact  that the world is changing and along with new realities comes new approaches to learning that are less focused on what we know and more focused on what needs to be known in a rapidly evolving global community.

And if you don't believe me, you can check out this article by the ultimate authority (besides the Supreme Being), The New York Times.